What is Grief?
Grief is the emotional reaction to a loss; mourning is the process we have to go through to adjust to the world after a person has died
Grief is intensely personal, contradictory, chaotic and an unpredictable internal process
Grief causes us physical and psychological pain and it cannot be avoided but instead navigated. It hurts!
To grieve we need to find a way of ending the pain of loss, not to fight it or block it. It requires a lot of hard work and the process has to be worked through to enable us to move through and move forward to enable us to heal.
How will grief affect me?
Physically
Emotionally
Cognitively and intellectually
Behaviourally and psychologically
Socially and practically
Philosophically and spiritually
If grief were a person, what would their characteristics be?
Punctual: always on time
Dynamic: they don’t miss a trick
Consistent: they don’t take a day off
Once you’ve met them they never completely leave you
Non-judgemental: they don’t mind if you have a good thought or a bad thought
Thoughtful: they never forget your birthdays, anniversaries or big days in the calendar
A great listener: They’ll sit with you in your darkest hours and not leave your side, catching every word.
Summary:
You don’t get over a death as if it’s a fence between you and the rest of your life
You move away from grief. You go through grief and move forward to reconciliation
How long will my grief last?
The first six weeks is dealing with the shock, then it can take between two to three years to formulate some normality.
To heal properly, you must express your sadness for as long as it takes to release it. Tears are very healing.
Grief work is hard work, the more open, share, tell people, have transparency, the more it helps you adapt to loss.
Grief is as much about finding as it is about losing
My new choices:
Choosing to live again means taking charge of your grief
I believe grief is essential to my healing and has an end
I will be responsible for my own grieving process
I will not be afraid to ask for help
I will not try to rush my recovery
To successfully cope with personal grief, you have to decide....
I will live
It’s ok and possible for me to have a full life after this
I can take charge of my own grief
I will find strength and hope
I will reach the place where less tears appear and laughter
‘I am in charge of my own grief ’starts the healing process.
If you keep too busy to face your feelings and avoid talking about them, you put yourself at a higher risk of illness following a major loss.
What can I do to help me get through grief?
Talk, talk, talk, talk about your loved one
Cry - it is a healthy expression
Let support into your life
Write it down, keep a journal
Make plans to return to work
Have an evening sharing memories
Collate photos and create albums
What are the benefits of expressing grief?
Improved mental health
Healthy memories
Less guilt, anger and resentment
Thought obsessions pass
Move to go forward
Make new choices and decisions
More confidence
Reconciliation and a return to the stream of life
How unexpressed emotions can affect your well-being
Unexpressed internalised grief can lead to depression.
Depression - is unexpressed anger
Guilt is ANGER drawn inwards
Anxiety
‘Death ends a life, not a relationship’
Morrie Schwartz
In what ways can you express anger?
Write in a journal
Scream in a park
Bash a pillow
‘Lion breathing’
What grief has taught me
Love doesn’t have an expiry date – so neither does grief, we just move to acceptance
Talking about my loved one (or to them) keeps my memories and love for them alive
‘Moving on’ is not ‘getting over it’ but instead, moving forward
If we dare to love, then we know we will grieve
Never try to ‘shut off’ the pain but accept it and express it
When I feel grief wash over me, use the strategies I’ve learnt that serve me best
Ideas for remembrance:
Plan an occasion – balloon release
Remembrance meal
Photo album of memories
Do something for charity
Create something to honour that person – garden
Plant a tree
Buy a bench in a special place
Ask their place of work to name a room or support a charity
Making loved one’s clothes into a cushion or blanket
Candlelight vigil
‘Once you choose hope, anything is possible’
Christopher Reeve